General Discussions

**witnesstheday** · 01-13-2009, 07:07 AM

that's brilliant. if we were in glasgow i'd headbutt you as an act of appreciation.

**wannaok** · 01-13-2009, 03:19 PM

This thread is so funny..

**witnesstheday** · 01-14-2009, 04:24 PM

but where's the daily joke? What's gone wrong? There's a hilarity-drought, a mirth-deficiency, a jocularity-shortfall. Somebody tell a joke, quickly!

Let me see... off the top of my head: what do you call a muslim between two buildings? Ali.

A bit old. Okay... what do you call a muslim with a pig on his head? Hamed.

Less known, but quite funny I think.

**stevej** · 04:30 PM

Never fear, stevej is here! Here's one:

Four men were taking a trip in a small airplane when the engine began to cough and sputter....and died. Only then did they discover that there were only three parachutes on board. One of the men did some fast thinking and said: "Look, guys, I am a world-class brain surgeon. I have four life-or-death operations to perform next week alone. My talents are pricelessly valuable to the human race. I really should have one of those parachutes." The others talked it over and thought this was a good idea, so he strapped on a parachute and jumped out. Another man then spoke up: "Listen, guys, I am a member of Mensa, Intertel, and Triple Nine. I have the highest IQ in the world. My brains are a pricelessly valuable resource to mankind. I really should have one of those parachutes." The others thought this seemed like a good idea so he strapped on a pack and jumped out. The third man then turned to the fourth and said: "Look, son, I am a priest. Why don't you take the last parachute and save yourself." The fourth looked up at him and grinned, saying: "Not to worry, Father. We have no problem. You see, the smartest man in the world just jumped out of the airplane wearing my knapsack!"

**witnesstheday** · 05:00 PM

Killer joke. Maybe the words "I'm a hedge fund boss and" would fit nicely after "you see".

**juliensimon** · 01-14-2009, 04:48 PM

Alright, I've got one as well:

A man walks into a bar (classic intro - it works with a kangaroo or a midget as well). He asks for a coffee.
- 2 euros and 50 cents

The guy looks in his pocket, take a euro and slides it all the way to the left corner of the counter, takes another euro and slides it all the way to the right corner of the counter and puts 50 cents in the middle.

The bartender is puzzled, a bit annoyed but thinks: what the heck, at least he paid.

The next day, the same guys walks in.
- A coffee please
-2 euros 50

same deal, one euro to the left, one euro to the right and 50 cents in the middle. The bartender walks to each corner grabs the coins, a little more annoyed. But again, he paid so what the heck.

This goes on every day for a few weeks.

One day, same guy, same bar
- One coffee
- 2 euros 50

the guy puts a 5 euro bill on the counter.

The bartender thinks to himself: "this is the perfect opportunity to get him back!"
he slides a euro on one side, a euro on the other side and puts 50 cents in the middle, with a big smile on his face.

The guys drinks his coffee and says:
- Another one please.

**stevej** · 01-14-2009, 04:55 PM

That's pretty good as well.

- Steve

**witnesstheday** · 01-14-2009, 05:02 PM

A man walks into a midget.
Ouch, says the midget.

**juliensimon** · 01-14-2009, 05:14 PM

a bar walks into a kangaroo.
The kangaroo replies: watch out, I've got 2 midgets in my front pocket.

**jabo** · 01-16-2009, 07:23 AM

Cake is the true symbol of gluteny. If you eat a whole pizza, people think 'wow he was hungry'. If you eat a whole cake, people think 'jeeze, he has a problem'.
Its not like drinking. You cant say "Yeah I had 4 pieces of cake last night." why would you say that? "I just want you to know I partied."
You know we try to disguise the fact we're eating cake "Hmmmm I cant have cake right now... Ill have a muffin!" There is no difference between a muffin and cake. A muffin is a bald cupcake!
And pancakes, how did that slide through? "Young man your not having cake for breakfast! Your having fried cake with syrup on top for breakfast."
Cake is a powerful food, it can actually bring people together "Hey its Jim's birthday party in the conference room." "I hate that guy." "Theres cake!" "Well I guess I should say hello." The only thing you think during the birthday song is 'I wonder what kind of cake it is.'
You know pie is kinda like liquid cake, but it cant compete with cake. If theres candles in a cake its a birthday cake, if theres candles in a pie, someones drunk in the kitchen. "Somebody go check on grandma."
You never hear of some hot chick jumping out of a pie. "Im here!" ... "Go take a shower" It's too messy!
Theres so many types of cake too. Theres Rum cake which makes sense because weve all been eating cake and thought 'You know what this needs? Booze!' I mean come on! I dont have time to eat and drink. I only have two hands and one of thems holding a cigarette!
And then theres funnel cake which is basically a giant french fry covered in sugar. Theyre serving that at the Ihop now.
I dont understand why they call it the Ihop, cuz i dont feel like hopping when I leave. It should be called Ibarelymove or Ineedawheelchair.
The worst cake has got to be fruit cake. It just doesnt add up. Fruit-good cake-great fruitcake- nasty crap. You take a bite of it and its like "Was that a skittle? Tasted like a seed. What is this? A treasure map?!?!" I mean what is the recipe for fruitcake? Anything but fruit? The baker was probably cleaning off the counter "Throw all this crap in that cake. Nobody eats this stuff they just mail it to relatives."

**witnesstheday** · 01-16-2009, 08:30 AM

brilliant jab. you should be publishing this stuff.

**jabo** · 01-19-2009, 06:29 AM

here is another
What would you say?
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?"

**weblover50** · 01-20-2009, 05:14 AM

Thanks for sharing the jokes.

**jabo** · 01-20-2009, 06:13 AM

this one is pretty long

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a ******n garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a ******n warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so....."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

**witnesstheday** · 01-24-2009, 06:30 AM

I think this thread should never have stopped! It's really inspired me. Just like I'm using an aggressive military-style campaign against israel (really aggressive marketing - building up - 1000s of forums gelling, all vetted so they have good fat membership and lots of readers to boot) I've got a campaign of love too. Since reason does not appeal to the one I love, I'm going to blitzkrieg her with humour instead. (Stop with your women advice, anyone thinking of advising me against this madness!)

So I am going to now dig up 700 of the best jokes i can find! And send 1 a day.

Sadly nothing on this thread is really good enough completely. no wait - that one about the scottish twins - that kills. I'm using that one first. Anyway. People who like me - you can always help me by finding the most hilarious jokes around and putting them here, that way I can come and pluck some from this tree too.

Anyway, it's a lovely day. My forum list is growing. I have been tempted to stop gathering and start posting boycott messages - I have found a very good piece of writing that can act as a major message to deliver - written by a brilliant (white) female British journalist who has pointed out how much Israel relies on Europe to buy fruit and veg from them. Also I have another item which is brilliantly written, given to me by some powerful activist machinations, outlining why people who think that they are just one person and cannot make much difference are totally wrong and should act.

So I will continue to be patient and hold back. By the time I'm ready to post the first 2000 to 5000 posts, I should have a lot of useful information gathered. Unlike on politics forums I won't go back and read replies. I find that as long as I don't enter into debate, the immediate responses to my threads, from opponents and proponents, only help me - people stroking guns straight away and showing how violent the pro-israel lobby is.

But I'm going to do my humour blitzkrieg too. Sure she hated me, maybe she's softening, who knows. But one thing is true - 700 amazing jokes down the line, and she's gotta give me a chance! Plus, as you all know, I'm well-versed in spam. I have a method which means she'll read every single joke, there's no way she won't. It doesn't matter if she's filtered my email out, or my name, or anything - I don't know if she has, but one has to take precautions before a big campaign!

I'll even test all the email addresses and names on my own hotmail account (made especially for the purpose) so I can make absolutely sure that the only reason she would ignore my emails is if the jokes aren't funny!

Anyway. This is veering off topic, as have my last 50 posts. But hey, I have put in a lot of good content on w-t, so please forgive my recent veerings, oh moderators! I shall toe the line now and step back from the brink of calumny! I'm sure you understand. I have been held down most of my life by racism, I have spent over 7 years wanting a good life for palestinians, and now i found that all the women I loved were shallow and often stupid and the one I rejected holds to my ideals 1000 times better than i ever did until i found her in my heart. And remember - I COULD have set about using the 300,000 forums/blogs etc to advertise my productfinder. I'd get a lot of cash up front and I'd bootstrap my business in a way that would be unchallengeable. Instead I'm giving it "back" to the world. I'm using it for what I KNOW is right, and I'm absconding from having dosh. I still live on bugger all and my "tardis" although it works, is really my lowest priority, I'm building its income a tiny amount at a time, but no longer in order to scoop up some cash and go to the caribbean and eat steaks while palestinian babies are murdered! No.

So now I should post a joke, to help get this thread alive again. What will it be? I'm all outta jokes. I ain't gonna just go and google one, that's cheap. Okay, this is a bit lame but hey.

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The barman says "we don't serve pieces of string".
The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a knot really chaotically, and comes back in and asks for a beer.
The barman says "aren't you that piece of string who just came in?"
The piece of string says "no, I'm a frayed knot".

**witnesstheday** · 01-25-2009, 02:06 PM

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

--------------

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

-------

Perhaps you've heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

It has a 12 month waiting list.

------

Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?

It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.

------

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,
"Who the hell ARE you?".
To that the Missus replied,
"I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

-----

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

---------------

Mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. The last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. As soon as the wife is gone he heads down to Clancys pub.
After spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. He gets up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. Gets up, takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. All the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows up. She walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. She answers it and hangs up after a short conversations. she looks at Mahony and says,
"So you went to Clancys pub after all did ya.?"
"Well yes dear,"said mahoney, "but how did you know? "
"That was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there!"

--------

An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion?"

------
A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the match with England was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."

-------

Scottish proverb - "Never drink whisky with water and never drink water without whisky".

----

The only plumber in Glasgow to charge reasonable fees died and was sent to Hell by mistake. Eventually it was realised in Heaven that there was an honest Glaswegian plumber in the wrong place so Saint Peter telephoned (on the hot line) to Satan.
"Have you got an honest plumber there?"
"Yes."
"He's ours, so can you send him up?"
"You can't have him!"
"Why not?"
"Because he's the only one who understands air conditioning. It's really cool down here now."
"Send him up at once," shouted Saint Peter, "or we'll sue."
"You'll sue?" laughed the voice at the other end. "And where will you get hold of a lawyer in Heaven?"

-----

Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."

The other man says "**** off, you're jokin aren't u?"

The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..

The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"

The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a **** when you're drunk superman"

------

(just part of my growing shortlist)

**AD7863** · 01-25-2009, 03:06 PM

Can't be bothered reading all these massive lengthy jokes lol.

**jabo** · 01-26-2009, 08:37 AM

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

**witnesstheday** · 01-26-2009, 02:03 PM

Two Scots golfers were just about to putt on the 16th green, adjacent to a road, when suddenly a funeral procession passes by. One of the golfers, Tam McGregor, interrupted his putting, and took off his hat as the procession goes by. His partner said "That was really gentlemanly of you - paying respects like that". To which Macgregor replied "It was the least I could do. She was my wife for 25 years..."

**Arised** · 01-26-2009, 02:26 PM

A frog calls a psychic
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."