General Discussions

**witnesstheday** · 01-26-2009, 04:12 PM

Last Words
These were The last words of our three heroes.
The Englishman: Thank God I die in England.
The Scotsman: Thank God I don't die in England.
The Irishman: How can they make any profit on this stuff at £2 a bottle?

**witnesstheday** · 01-26-2009, 04:14 PM

Worse For Wear
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were all a bit The worse for drink and were travelling by train together.
'It's windy,' said The Englishman.
'No,' said The Scotsman, 'it's Thursday.'
'So am I,' said The Irishman, 'let's go and have a drink.'

**jabo** · 01-27-2009, 06:17 AM

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

**Arised** · 02-01-2009, 03:04 PM

There is a case

**witnesstheday** · 02-01-2009, 06:39 PM

I got this excellent bunch of jokes in my email...

Questions
you just can’t answer………..

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not
enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every
two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at
the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold will it be?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to
look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out?'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would
eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you
get undressed if they are going to look up there
anyway?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place?

**witnesstheday** · 02-01-2009, 06:41 PM

brilliant moon cartoon, arised.

**wickedwicca** · 02-02-2009, 12:38 PM

very nice share WIT..you really made my day..thank you!

**gramsey629** · 02-03-2009, 04:29 PM

Two muffins where sitting in an oven.

One turns to the other and says, ''Gosh, its hot in here.''

The other one turns and sceams '' AHHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!''

**witnesstheday** · 02-03-2009, 04:42 PM

très drôle!

**wayfarer07** · 02-04-2009, 05:23 PM

So a pirate walks into a bar, with a huge steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The bartender politely asks him, "what the heck is that!?"

"Arrrrghhh......, it's driving me nuts!" says the pirate.

**witnesstheday** · 02-05-2009, 02:44 AM

oo aar

**micoblanco** · 02-05-2009, 04:14 AM

Dog Poker

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.

"The smartest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Collie that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to put him down."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars." asked another, amazed.
"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"

**charliek2** · 02-05-2009, 05:20 AM

General: how u felt in the army?
Lady officer: Very fine,
whole day passes in saying Yes Sir,Yes Sir
& the whole night in No Sir, No Sir!

=================================

Santa & Banta were sitting outside a clinic.
Santa was crying like anything.
So Banta asked:”Why are you crying?”
Santa replied: “I came here for blood test”
Banta:” So? Are you afraid?”
Santa:”No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger”
Hearing this Banta started crying.
Santa was astonished and asked Banta: “Why are you crying?” Banta replied: “I have come for my urine test.”

Source - www.sms-jokes.info

**jabo** · 02-05-2009, 07:47 AM

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again

**jabo** · 02-05-2009, 08:47 AM

How Smart Is Your Right Foot? Trust me try this, it takes only few seconds.
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it.

**helicopter** · 02-05-2009, 10:16 AM

There is mine
http://hyperfileshare.com/d/cdfab73d

**jabo** · 02-06-2009, 06:28 AM

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.

**DTRBLE95** · 02-10-2009, 09:50 PM

funny

**jabo** · 02-12-2009, 06:01 AM

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast!

**EvcRo** · 02-12-2009, 07:21 AM

now is my turn to say a joke

"An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here."