General Discussions

**jamestl2** · 01-28-2009, 02:37 AM

What happened is a long story and more complicated than just what I briefly described, which seemed to be one of the few ways that actually worked, so I'm going to put a very rare self promo, for me, in one of my posts, in case you wanted to know the full story of where I'm coming from (and / or listen to some of my ramblings

):
http://www.lightningshock.com/2008/0...-fall-in-love/

Quote:

Originally Posted by witnesstheday

No. No matter what happens, no matter how hard it is, you can't stop being a gentleman, both in action AND thought, and in feeling too. Just know that being a gentleman will lead to a good happily ever after ending for you one day. Honestly. If a girl thinks you are a gentleman, really and truly, she'll always trust you.

I don't know. No one has ever really expressed interest in me before AND after I've known her. Being a "gentleman" towards her didn't work out too well, and I have no other experience whatsoever to tell me it will work otherwise. So I kind of have Zero-Faith that I'll meet anyone as intelligent, beautiful, etc. as she was.

And I've been shy around women before, so given the whole traumatic experience I consider I went through, my first and only one, it's that much more difficult for me to believe things will improve or I'll "meet someone else" when it comes to that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by witnesstheday

Even if she's got someone else and has to reject you in the short term, history has taught me that she'll open the door to you again another time, if you know when to knock.

OK, I have very high doubts anything like that will ever happen. She pretty much told me in her final letter (email) to me that she got married and "promised to never say a word" to me ever again. It all hit me kind of fast, as she rarely mentioned him when we had conversations and I had no idea how serious she was with him.

It's been almost 2 years since I've ended communication with her, and no "doors have opened" nor can I exactly "knock", given how the events all unfolded.

Quote:

Originally Posted by witnesstheday

Seriously. Even if she's in the wrong, don't blame her because that's callous - it's not right for a man to do that. It's FINE for a woman to blame you unfairly, and I'm not being sarcastic either - this is the absolute chivalrous truth. You take the blame, if you're a man. That's what you were born for. That and loving her as much as SHE needs (it's NOT about what you need, so who cares how much pain you go through... you have no right to complain, given what she does for you, how she completes you, and makes the bad in you good).

Despite wanting to hate her for what she did, or how things went between us, I just can't. I DO blame myself for having my crazy feelings, and I often have regrets about signing up for the class in which I met her. "Loving her" is kinda pointless now, she doesn't "need" my love (nor ever appeared to have wanted any part of it), so why dwell on loving her if it just remains unrequited? Maybe that's how I felt at first (her completing me, etc.) but she can't exactly "make the bad good" if she's not there to do so.

Quote:

Originally Posted by witnesstheday

Enough already. I'm off to another part of the hood to go and do some hard labour on a building site. I may post a little less than usual for a few weeks!

Yeah, I haven't had much time to post lately, and probably won't have much time to post in the near future either, being that school just started for me again. Just one more semester to after this one.

**witnesstheday** · 03:25 PM

okay. forget everything you've already learned. here's the thing -

you can get a date TODAY, if you have the phone number of the right girl!

So... work on getting that phone number. Wherever you go, be charming.

Lots of girls will give you their numbers if you ask in the right way at the right time. So just play the game. The one you love - if you want, keep her in your heart. Why not? It won't stop you from finding someone gorgeous and the chances are that one of the ones you find WILL turn into a date and maybe you'll even end up saying "I love you" to this new date, and it'll be like that first one never even existed.

gentlemanly behaviour prevents me from sharing the evidence but what i said is sooo true - and even with my recent spate of self-denial and idiotic misery, i have numbers of nice lasses, numbers THEY GAVE me - and one of them i even have to come up with a decent excuse why i never ever called her. That's us, blokes. We sit here going "oh, no one loves me" - and meanwhile there's like 5 phone numbers of chicks who WANTED us to call, and we forget they're even there. And then when we do call, we lie, and make up some false reason about why we didn't call. Can you blame them for trying to make us suffer all hell by breaking our hearts and eating them with a bit of chianti and some fava beans?

make 2 lists:

1. women who return/answer my calls/emails
2. women who don't

realise that everyone on list 2 is someone you think is really hot and the ones on list 1 "bore you"

then look OBJECTIVELY at list 1 - list 1 is full of women who are really nice, lots of fun to be with, very attractive if you actually look at them without being blinded by their desire for you

do the same for list 2 - probably full of women who are each the centre of attention of 1000s of guys, full of themselves and wouldn't date you in a million years.

okay. now look at yourself - do you deserve to be with a woman who will make you feel happy? YESSSSS. YES you do. So stop with this masochistic approach that is the default setting of Johnny Male, and get yourself some good lovin. Get up in the morning singing "Wow! I feel good. I knew that I would. So good. So good. So good. Coz I got you!"

Now that I'm singing it I'm already focusing more on the women in list 1 than in list 2. My trouble is that I love someone who WAS on list 1, and now she wants to be on list 2 and I just don't want to let her. In the end I agree with her belief that authoritarianism is a terrible thing, that's the only reason I'm not forcing her to stay on list 1. I mean I CAN force her. By going to where she is, taking off my shades, and saying "Please don't kill us. Please pleeease don't kill us. You know I love you baby. It wasn't my fault. An old friend came in from out of town. I had a flat tire. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood..." {or something}.

Anyway. Maybe i'll just have to do that one day. I suppose if I'm meeting girls who are really amazingly gorgeous and I STILL can't get my "homely girl" out of my head... I probably do love her. But hey, that's all the more reason for me to get really busy with some fun times now because if I'm not careful I'll be banned from that kind of thing before I know it. Marriage may be many good things, but it's also a form discipline.

That reminds me - at about 8.30am today I was moving various builders materials around a housing estate in brixton and this amazingly hot half-naked chick just walks out of her flat with virtually nothing on and just starts shouting at me (although it was someone else's building works on the other side of her that she was actually hearing and having a problem with) - and i just thought "this is a premonition of married life for me - hot chick with few clothes shouting at me first thing in the morning".

on a downside note, there are at least 2 women i can think of who DID want me to call them but i buggered it up saying stupid things, although to some extent they had boyfriends

(what a classic use of language "to some extent they had boyfriends" - and yet it's pretty accurate)

so they go on list 3 - women you COULD have got it together with if you had used the brain for thinking instead of the sex organs.

**D3niss3** · 01-28-2009, 02:38 PM

Yes, cause by only accepting what happened and by moving on you can only find happiness and peace of mind. Although it's not really easy, everything can be done in due time.

**witnesstheday** · 03:33 PM

I had to come back, but I'm really gone this time (tardises to fly, me dearies), but I HAD TO - I almost NEVER listen to "take another little piece of my heart" - but I did, by accident, and then I saw why I don't. You see me, and you, but worse for me since I could have grown up by now - we use women - we take what we want and throw the rest away. And if one or more are crying at night, we don't even want to care that it even happens.

I suppose you can "change". I doubt I ever will. 32, 22... what's the difference. You probably won't either.

That's why I hardly ever let myself listen to that song. It's not my own narrative voice, it's the one of those I wrong. But hey, love is bitter sweet. And surely there IS a case to be made the other way. My lawyers could argue that I give them someone to love. Isn't that a lot more than anyone else gives them? And how can I stay in any one place forever? No one even lives forever, and even inside the limited time we have we never have enough time for anyone really.

Maybe that's why we end up alone. They are wiser more often than suckers, they know what they like and they stay away from it when it's just an illusion and the guy isn't going to be there forever, just long enough to get bored and move on with the wind.

Nah. I like curly's philosophy a lot more now that I see this. I think I can live with it if that happens to be the philosophy I embrace. Maybe those numbers are no good any more, the phone numbers, for me. Maybe I'm too many rivers away from when it could have been... sound of record screeching to a halt. ARE YOU NUTS? Fun is for everyone, no matter what age. I'll use those numbers. I'll keep on and on and on breaking hearts. Because that's what I do. I spend all my time kidding myself that I'm alone because I'm the victim, but hey. I'm not even ever alone. Maybe I don't get my share of the baylonian excess, but to call that a loss is to be both stupid and greedy!

And even "say a little prayer", now playing, I avoid like the plague. Why imagine that she (this one, or that one, or the other) is human, and emotional, and cares about what I feel, when it's easier to pretend that it's only me who has any emotional aftermath from any encounter in my life.

On my browser I'm already logged into google adwords. I have to get back to powering up my tardis for flight. I've precision engineered it so that the clicks I buy turn into profit, so now I have to precision engineer it so that I get about 100,000 clicks a day passing through (and then I just have to feed it enough money, but don't worry, I'll find a way - I have numerous people I sell myself to very well regularly, and I'm a devious son of bastardy).

I've prepared this one on BBedit, so I'll be in and out of w-t like an ugly old man in a brothel. Take it easy dude. Stop whining. Women have it way worse. Find someone you like, get to know them, give up all other women, and don't ever become like me. I'll probably have way more fun than anyone here. But emotionally I'll pay for it ALL. On the plus side, I probably WILL save palestine - I'm quite sure of that.

Now... back to the inside engine room of my tardis.

remember what I said, young one: you are your own worst nightmare. You could have a life of pleasure and pain, or a life of tranquility. DON'T let this pleasure pain thing become you. I'm going to try and escape the hell out of it too. I have, luckily 4 entire phone numbers which can lead me out of here - 2 of them are utterly utterly gorgeous and the other 2 may also be - i honestly don't have access to enough memory faculties - i was really really realllllly drunk.

oh, and don't just go back to those other women saying "i've changed". actually change. and just go back to one. and stick with her. any one of them will be good to you. for me i've already chosen. out of the 4 numbers i have, i only called one of them and i did it already, and she already was really nice to me, so i know that all i need to do is embrace that fact, forget about my hangups and even tomorrow morning i can say to myself "wow, i feel good".

i'm off to save palestine now - for which i need (1) my tardis (2) my boycott tool. so i better get to it. ciao. shalom. arrivederci. au revoir. a bientot. auf wiedersehen. i'll be back. so what if a guy threw a shoe at me?

**jamestl2** · 02:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by witnesstheday

So... work on getting that phone number. Wherever you go, be charming.

Much easier said than done. For most it requires natural-born charisma or great social-verbal skills (have neither), which is why I could never be a politician or public speaker. Those capabilities aren't just something you can learn overnight, and I'm certain many men fail at "the game" because of it. (I can say I have not failed because I never "played the game".)

Quote:

Originally Posted by witnesstheday

make 2 lists:

1. women who return/answer my calls/emails
2. women who don't

...

Realistically, I'll have to say that EVERY woman I know / have talked to belongs on list #2 that I know of (Of course with the exception of the one woman I've been referring to the entire time. Well technically she's on list #2 now, but she was on list #1 before). I've never put a woman on list #3

. Then again this is a very short list, however.

Quote:

Originally Posted by witnesstheday

you can get a date TODAY, if you have the phone number of the right girl!

OK, I think I should be clear here on what the issue is for me. I'm not after "Another Woman to fill the void".

My problem is the fact that I cannot forget about everything that happened. It distracts my thoughts. Every day (well.... maybe not "every" day, but pretty darn close) I still think about the last email exchange we had, phrases I used that may have hurt her, the bombshell she dropped on me that she got married, or just the general lack of interest she displayed towards me after I explained everything to her.

Believe me, if I could just wish away my entire experience I had during that time, I would. Sure, I may have "gained valuable insight" or "personally grew from the experience" or something, but it was my FIRST time. Why did the first time I ever fell for someone have to turn out this way? We never even dated.

What confidence do I have that the next person I meet will be any different? Any time I see a women who could be a "potential girlfriend" that I may meet or whatever, the very first thought that crosses my mind is that "she probably already has a boyfriend" then "She won't tell me enough about herself".

I don't enjoy thinking this way, but I do. Do I want the crazy thoughts and regrets to go away? Yes, most definitely. If the past were different, maybe I would've met and fell for someone else, maybe some were actually romantically interested in me then, but I missed it because I was too blinded by the one woman who had my heart. I figure if I could just erase every memory I had of her, pretend she never existed, maybe I'd actually be happy where I am, or I could've even have been lucky enough to know what reciprocated love feels like. Obviously this is impossible though, there's no way you can just erase every image and passing thought of someone through your own will.

Will meeting someone new, getting their phone number, etc. really help? (I can't say if it will or won't because it hasn't happened yet) I have doubts that even that will, why should it? Like you said, if I can change at 22, will I? Is it something I consciously choose, or does my subconscious precondition it for me? I don't really know. So you can see my predicament.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by witnesstheday

remember what I said, young one: you are your own worst nightmare. You could have a life of pleasure and pain, or a life of tranquility. DON'T let this pleasure pain thing become you. I'm going to try and escape the hell out of it too.

I know I'm my own worst nightmare, but do I have any control over it? I feel like there's absolutely nothing that can "heal the damage that has been done". Maybe it's too late for me (despite being relatively young), I already screwed up and my soul just won't let it go. Just don't know what else to do, which is basically why I gave up on love, as perceivable in my website post....

**witnesstheday** · 04:00 AM

Quote:

Much easier said than done. For most it requires natural-born charisma or great social-verbal skills (have neither), which is why I could never be a politician or public speaker. Those capabilities aren't just something you can learn overnight, and I'm certain many men fail at "the game" because of it.

Okay. Estimated ratio of happily married men to charismatic men....

Happily married : charismatic
1000s : 1 or 2.

Don't worry geyser. You have lots of social verbal skills anyway. You just put yourself down so much over women that when you try talking to them you forget what a cool guy you are and become underconfident.

I seriously recommend you investigate the method acting approach of Stanislavski. Pretend you deserve that girl and you will (not the one you've lost, the one you randomly meet today, who you don't know, but is gorgeous, and looks your way just once... giving you just ONE opportunity to smile at her and draw her in...)

Here's a tip about most girls - they like guys. We are to them what they are to us! Four weeks ago if I'd asked myself to make that list, I'd have been self-pitying and said "woe is me, oh what a failure i am, all the women i know are on list 2". When really I have 4 on list 1, at least 2 recently on list 3, and probably others I haven't really thought of. Stop focusing on the ones who you don't reckon you can get (realistically, not just your self-pity mind) and realise that there are eeeasily girls who are on list 1 for you - EVERYBODY has a few. Some may be ones you are not attracted to because they are physically not your type (maybe you are normal weight and they are obese and it turns you off - that's fair, I reckon. I've rejected a few for that one). Don't be totally negative and remember that there ARE girls out there who are both attractive to you and attracted to you. You just have to stop wanting to have an excuse to pity yourself.

THINK OF THE PHYSICAL PLEASURE you will enjoy if you give yourself just one chance.

How about this - go hunting for a person to love in second place (although I guarantee when you find someone worthy, you'll realise she's fine for first place too, and then after you find she actually doesn't mind talking to you and is open to going out with you for a drink or something, she automatically starts pushing the other out of 1st place in your mind... you'll still love that other one, and know that if she was alone and upset that you'd really want to help her because of the way you always felt for her, but it won't change the fact that you will start having a good time with someone who makes you feel attractive yourself {oh, when a fit girl likes you, you feel like brad pitt, you really do})

AND... even if it works and you get someone, but decide you'd rather be miserable and alone, you can always dump her.

**witnesstheday** · 05:42 AM

I think there's one more secret, which was left out of what I wrote. I was listening to a song by Blondie and the words

depeche-toi et attends

brought it to the front of my mind. You need it so that there are indeed lots of nice lasses who will answer your calls or messages when you want them to, but the most important thing is that you shouldn't need to, you should avoid doing so. Most of the time it's much better if they call you. So you let them do that. You don't even always have to reply. If you don't they may, subconsciously, or consciously, prefer that.

You MUST call them if you said you would (and they didn't wince) or you know (and really know, not imagine) that they just won't do so because they have some timidity or other hindrance stopping them {on the other hand, sometimes you're really sure, but it turns out it was all wrong, she completely hates you now!}. Other than that you need to ideally not call them. That means first, (ideally at your age) you need to spend so much time spreading yourself around that there's just loooads of them on list 1.

And maybe you want to be aware of list 0... women who definitely will keep on emailing or calling etc. Ah. I just remembered someone else on list 1 who flickers to list 3 for periods, then back to 1, sometimes 0, then back to 1, etc. Luckily never a 2.

We sound like nazis, with our lists. Anyway. You need to focus on having a wide activity-filled life, and this will naturally bring you into contact with lots of numbers whose primary purpose will be to tell you who the f*** is calling.

Anyway. I have found a new way to waste time between bouts of labour (btw when i did hours of work in cybercafes in the last day or two, I only came here to read, not write - just no time to waste!) - gonna go back to the hardcore programming forum zone for a wee bit, where the likes of political and emotional rancour and indeed spam that tries to spam a joke about spam that spams spam, just can't rear it's head! the geek fortress, where us geeks go when we need to be away from the (alas)non-geek masses...

My nonviolent-chess game model has apparently been working (i've been testing it out with someone... 3 games so far, I lost them all) so I should make my gd gif chess game really, which means I better get back into efficient-programmer mode and snap out of all this bravado and sales talk and man-of-the-people crap. Gotta go talk to machines, mateys. Got a lot to say. Loads of nonword characters and slashes and stuff that to your average nongeek is just a load of scrawl. I'll name some variables after you guys, how about it? After all, it's gonna be opensource and I'll bring it back here when it's done.

**wickedwicca** · 01-30-2009, 10:57 AM

Of course..but first you should learn first how to forgive and forget..
then after it'll be easy for you to accept everything and moving on is next in line..

**princess06** · 02-02-2009, 08:29 AM

forgive and forget.. for me that's the best thing to do to move on.

**witnesstheday** · 02-02-2009, 08:45 AM

wow. women really hold on to the ones they love, don't they? NOT.
anyway. all this 'forgive and forget' - how come you think SHE did something wrong? i doubt she did.

**EvcRo** · 02-10-2009, 06:52 AM

hmmm...broken heart is so painful, but it is a remedy for this

forgiveness and looking into the future with confidence and hope

**weblover50** · 02-10-2009, 12:16 PM

Yes time is best medicine.time will fill your pain.