General Discussions

**moonwalker** · 07:23 PM

Tell me a funny joke story:

Do you have a funny story you would like to share with everyone?

Besure to keep you story clean.

**chrishirst** · 05-21-2010, 07:07 PM

Don't use ALL CAPS!!

It is SHOUTING in forum etiquette

**moonwalker** · 05-21-2010, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrishirst

Don't use ALL CAPS!!

It is SHOUTING in forum etiquette

I fix the problem, thank you.

**serandfae** · 05-21-2010, 08:15 PM

That was HILARIOUS!

OK, so this guy walks into a bar. He needed about 20 stitches.

tim

**moonwalker** · 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serandfae

That was HILARIOUS!

OK, so this guy walks into a bar. He needed about 20 stitches.

tim

That because he was wearing a hat that said, Hit me with your best shot...

**C0ldf1re** · 05-21-2010, 08:41 PM

A girl dragged herself out of bed one morning, muttering to herself.

"It may be coffee that helps you wake up, but it's chocolate that gives you a reason that makes it worthwhile."

**chrishirst** · 05-22-2010, 11:48 AM

This is an Incredible story!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

**chrishirst** · 05-22-2010, 11:48 AM

It probably wasn't the same elephant.

**C0ldf1re** · 05-22-2010, 09:16 PM

Mr Mouse is walking through the jungle when he hears a loud sobbing. He finds Ms Elephant with a thorn in her paw. He pulls it out.

"Thank you," says Ms Elephant. "Can I do anything for you in return?"

"Well," says Mr Mouse, "I've always wanted to, er, you know, with an elephant."

"Alright," says Ms Elephant, lowering her tail for Mr Mouse to climb up.

A minute later, Mr Mouse is enjoying himself, and Ms Elephant is thoroughly bored. She gets an itch on her neck,and decides to scratch her itch by rubbing her neck against the scaly trunk of a coconut tree. Her rubbing dislodges some coconuts, which fall on her head.

"Ow! Ow! Ooow!!!" cries Ms Elephant.

"Gosh!" thinks Mr Mouse to himself. "Aren't I doing well?!"

**chrishirst** · 05-23-2010, 05:20 AM

Retired chap decides to mow the lawn, and as it is such a glorious day he strips naked to do so.

After a few minutes his wife rushes out and says;

What do you think you are doing you old fool????

Get inside NOW before the neighbours think I married you for your money!!!

**C0ldf1re** · 05-23-2010, 05:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrishirst

... before the neighbours think I married you for your money!!!

LOL The very best jokes finish with a punch-line entirely different from the one you were anticipating!

**chrishirst** · 05-23-2010, 04:38 PM

Noah's Ark...If it happened now

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood."

"They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

**C0ldf1re** · 05-23-2010, 05:00 PM

A little boy was asked at school to write a story about Noah's Ark.

The story followed tradition, until at the very end the little boy wrote, "And then Noah fished for about half an hour."

"How do you know that?" asked his teacher.

"Well," said the little boy, "he only had two worms."

**moonwalker** · 05-23-2010, 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrishirst

Noah's Ark...If it happened now

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood."

"They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

**anselduminy** · 11:36 PM

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

**chrishirst** · 05-25-2010, 11:05 AM

Going into the kitchen the other night and I thought I heard a spring onion singing a Bee Gees song,

But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talking.

**chrishirst** · 05-25-2010, 11:57 AM

http://www.modtalk.co.uk/article/c-a...ets-of-london/

**mividazul** · 05-26-2010, 03:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by C0ldf1re

Mr Mouse is walking through the jungle when he hears a loud sobbing. He finds Ms Elephant with a thorn in her paw. He pulls it out.

"Thank you," says Ms Elephant. "Can I do anything for you in return?"

"Well," says Mr Mouse, "I've always wanted to, er, you know, with an elephant."

"Alright," says Ms Elephant, lowering her tail for Mr Mouse to climb up.

A minute later, Mr Mouse is enjoying himself, and Ms Elephant is thoroughly bored. She gets an itch on her neck,and decides to scratch her itch by rubbing her neck against the scaly trunk of a coconut tree. Her rubbing dislodges some coconuts, which fall on her head.

"Ow! Ow! Ooow!!!" cries Ms Elephant.

"Gosh!" thinks Mr Mouse to himself. "Aren't I doing well?!"

heyy really nice store i really enjoyed it

**davidemarsh01** · 05-27-2010, 01:17 AM

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The chemist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Chemist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Chemist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Chemist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Chemist: "Absolutely.."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Chemist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Chemist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list."

**Blake123** · 05-27-2010, 10:28 AM

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.