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A man just back from an African safari was relating his adventures to a friend. “It was quite a trip, I can tell you. One day, I was out in the jungle and I heard a noise. I turned round to see this huge lion – bigger than anything I’d seen on TV – just a few yards away. I froze for a second, then ran for my life. The lion bounded after me. He was almost at my shoulder when he slipped and I managed to get ahead. But within a matter of seconds, I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck again, but luckily just as he was about to pounce, he slipped once more. In the distance I saw a house and ran for it as fast as my legs would take me. As I got close to the house, the lion caught up again and was almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time. That enabled me to get in the house and slam the door in the lion’s face.”
“Wow! That’s some story,” said the friend. “If I’d been in that situation, I would have s*** my pants.”
“What do you think the lion kept slipping on?”
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Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
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Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.
They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Where do you want me to install these blinds?"
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Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"
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A scruffy looking bloke goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "Sorry I can't serve you. I don't think you can pay for it."
The bloke says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."
"Alright" says the bloke and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The bloke downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The bloke reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the bloke and offers him £300 for the frog.
The bloke says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the bloke "Are you some kind of idiot? You sold a singing frog for £300? It must have been worth millions. You must be mad."
"Nah", says the bloke. "The hamster's a ventriloquist
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