General Discussions

**Dec** · 08-27-2003, 08:36 AM

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

**The Crow** · 08-27-2003, 05:56 PM

That is a good one!!!

**Criper2000** · 08-27-2003, 06:43 PM

roflmao!

**techwench** · 08-27-2003, 07:24 PM

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

**Dec** · 08-28-2003, 01:31 AM

Two old friends/enemies who love to take the p*** out of each other are in a bar, drinking. One reaches over and feels the other's bald head.
"Good God! This feels just like my wife's a**!"
The man whose head it is runs his hand over it, too.
"So it does! So it does!"

**Dec** · 08-29-2003, 01:24 AM

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

**hockeyrulez** · 08-29-2003, 09:46 PM

lol!! What site did you get that from man?

**Dec** · 11:52 PM

They're from a collection of jokes I got on the net, so they're not only from one site.

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
"Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

**tuffy** · 08-31-2003, 02:30 PM

These jokes are good

Have any more?

**techwench** · 08-31-2003, 02:59 PM

Heheheh. Here's one to add to the thread.

Dr. Seuss On Computers

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted at a very last resort
And the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang
'Cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
And the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk
Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

**Dec** · 09-01-2003, 10:35 AM

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

**Dec** · 09-04-2003, 11:42 AM

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

**Dec** · 09-05-2003, 06:19 AM

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"
"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"
"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"
The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

**Dec** · 09-06-2003, 02:21 PM

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

**david** · 09-06-2003, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dec
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

I was thinking this story was familiar.... it comes from the words of a song doesn't it?

http://www.google.co.uk/search?sourc...0lyrics%2Ehtml

**Dec** · 09-07-2003, 12:05 AM

You're right! Lol I didn't know about it, I found this joke on a message board somewhere...

Anyway, here's another one...

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

The reporter approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

**Dec** · 09-12-2003, 07:20 AM

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “*****” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson. Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “*****” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”