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got this off a email form my local freecycle group...
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife on International
Women's Day
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a
100,000-volt,
pocket/purse- sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to
safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is
on the face
of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a
batteries , right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this
thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would
work as advertised. Was I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts
and a tank
top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked
thigh, pushed the button, and..
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@ !@$$!%!@* !!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my
legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it
again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered
conservative.
SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as
time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they get up
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward
for their
safe return!
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, I always wanted to try the barking collar 
